Perfectionism, Part 1: What It Is and Where It Comes From

30 Oct

You don’t have to get rid of difficult thoughts and feelings before you can live a full and meaningful life. You can learn to live alongside them, while still doing what matters to you.

Part 1 of a three-part series: what perfectionism is, what keeps it going, and what helps

Let’s start with a confession. When I started teaching yoga, I wanted to be good at it straight away. Not “good for a beginner”. Good good. I’d go home and replay every cue I’d got wrong, and somehow a class people had genuinely enjoyed would become evidence that I had no business being up there.

That’s the sneaky thing about perfectionism. It doesn’t always look like struggling. Quite often it looks like doing really well. How it feels on the inside can be a different story. If you’ve ever finished something you worked hard on and could only see what was wrong with it, hello. You’re in the right place.

In this first part, we’ll look at what perfectionism is, how it differs from having high standards, and where research suggests it may come from. Part 2 turns to the fear that seems to drive it, and Part 3 to what helps.

So, what is perfectionism?

Put simply, it's holding yourself to extremely high, sometimes flawless standards, often well beyond what a situation needs. The more clinical description is basing your sense of self-worth on pushing towards demanding standards you've set yourself, and carrying on even when it's costing you (Shafran et al., 2002).

Which, if you read that twice, is quite a lot to carry around.

Here's the bit that matters most, though: the standard itself often isn't the problem. More often, it seems to be the fear underneath it. Fear of failing, of not being good enough, of something going wrong if it isn't right.

Which of those fears sounds most familiar to you?

High standards aren't the enemy

Perfectionism often gets treated as something to aspire to. It’s the go-to “weakness” in job interviews, and plenty of us quietly assume it’s what keeps us performing well. Caring about your work is a good thing, and wanting to do things well is great. The difference is in how a mistake lands.

Excellence tends to be flexible. It treats a mistake as useful information: right, what can I learn from that?

Perfectionism tends to be rigid, working on a simple equation: mistake = failure. A mistake becomes proof you’ve failed, and often proof of something about you.

Think about the last mistake you made. Which of these showed up?

Research makes a similar split. Psychologists separate perfectionistic strivings (setting high standards and working towards them) from perfectionistic concerns (fear of mistakes, worrying about how others will judge you, and doubting your own work). The concerns appear to be consistently linked with stress and distress. The strivings are more of a mixed bag: sometimes they come with motivation and getting things done, sometimes with stress (Stoeber & Otto, 2006).

In real life, healthy striving leaves room for goals to stretch or bend, and for some enjoyment in the work itself. Unhelpful perfectionism tends to come with rules. The standard can feel permanently out of reach, and the moment you hit it, the bar may quietly go up.

So this series isn't going to tell you to lower your standards. It's about working out which bits are helping you build the life you want, and loosening the bits that aren't.

Perfectionism as a shield

Brené Brown (2010) describes perfectionism as a kind of shield: a way of trying to protect ourselves from blame, judgement or shame. The logic goes something like: if it's perfect, no one can criticise it.

Say you're having friends round for dinner. You plan the menu and clean bits of the house nobody will go near. Underneath all that effort, there may be less a love of cooking and more a quiet hope that if everything goes right, nobody will think less of you.

At work, it might look like re-reading a report six times so your manager can't find a single thing to pick at. Or never sharing an idea until it's fully formed, so nobody sees the messy version.

Both may come back to the same few fears: being seen, being found not good enough, and failing.

This is consistent with the psychological literature. Perfectionism is strongly associated with fear of failure, particularly the fear of shame and embarrassment that comes with getting it wrong (Conroy et al., 2007). Psychologists also describe perfectionistic self-presentation: the need to look flawless to others and keep any imperfections out of sight, which is linked with higher distress (Hewitt et al., 2003). So it may be less about the dinner or the report, and more about what you're afraid people will think of you.

The trouble is, the shield can't stop you being judged. People still have opinions, and things still go wrong. And when something does slip through, the conclusion often isn't "the shield doesn't work". It can be "I need a thicker shield": more checking, more preparation, higher standards next time.

This may help explain why it's so hard to put down. From the inside, it might not feel like a problem at all. It can feel like the thing keeping you safe.

What might your shield be trying to protect you from?

Where does it come from?

Perfectionism isn't a flaw in your character, and research suggests it isn't fixed. It seems to build up from a mix of things:

Temperament. The wiring we're born with. Some people seem more sensitive from the start: quicker to notice when something isn't right, and more tuned in to mistakes or what others think. Twin studies suggest perfectionism may be partly heritable (Tozzi et al., 2004), and it tends to sit alongside traits like conscientiousness and a tendency towards worry (Smith et al., 2019). That doesn't make it fixed. Some of us may simply start with more fuel for it.
Early experiences. Growing up feeling that approval depended on doing well, or that mistakes were a big deal.
Environment. Schools, workplaces and social media that reward flawlessness over being a normal human being.

The wider culture may play a part too. A large analysis of studies with university students in the US, Canada and the UK found that perfectionism rose between 1989 and 2016 (Curran & Hill, 2019). The biggest rise was in socially prescribed perfectionism: the sense that other people expect you to be perfect. The authors link this to an increasingly competitive, achievement-focused culture.

A lot of our standards come from outside us, too. How much we should earn, how we should look, how hard we should work. We pick them up from family, school, employers and our phones, and after a while they feel like our own. Working hard can quietly become a stand-in for being worth something.

And then there's social media. At the risk of stating the obvious, let's be honest: it's likely playing its part. Many of us now spend part of every day scrolling through other people's highlights: the glowing skin (filtered), the spotless kitchen (tidied for the photo), the big career news (minus the rejections). It's easy to forget you're comparing your behind-the-scenes with everyone else's edited version. Research suggests that comparing ourselves upwards on social media may be linked with lower self-esteem (Vogel et al., 2014), and all that polish may make an already high bar feel like the norm.

Whose standards are you trying to meet? And are they still yours?

If you recognise yourself in any of this, here's the hopeful part: much of it appears to be learnt, which suggests it can shift.

What it can look like day to day

Perfectionism isn't always obvious. Some of it looks like working very hard, and some of it looks like the complete opposite:

Over-preparing, re-checking, or rewriting things several times
Asking others to check your work, or looking for reassurance
Struggling to rest without feeling guilty
Finding it hard to finish things or hand them in
Putting things off until you feel ready
Avoiding things you might not do well

Which of these do you recognise in yourself?

The first few are ways of working harder to avoid a mistake. The last few are ways of stepping back from the risk altogether. Both can be forms of perfectionism, and Part 2 looks at why.

What it costs

Perfectionism can be consuming. When you're constantly scanning for what's not good enough, there may not be much room left to be present: to notice, enjoy, or feel connected to the life you're working so hard to build.

Over time, it can also wear you down. Perfectionism is linked with a wide range of difficulties, including anxiety, low mood, eating problems and burnout (Egan et al., 2011; Hill & Curran, 2016). It can also get in the way of relationships, sleep, and all the things you'd enjoy if you weren't so worried about doing them well.

The tight fist

Humour me for a second. Make a fist and squeeze it as tightly as you can. Hold it there.

At first it feels strong, even a bit reassuring. You're in control. Keep holding, though, and it starts to ache. You can't pick anything up, wave at someone, or hold anyone's hand. All your energy is going into keeping the grip.

Perfectionism can work a lot like this. Gripping your standards feels like it’s protecting you, and in small doses it can help. But hold them that tightly for that long, and they can take up a lot of your energy and leave less of you for the things that matter.

Now loosen your hand, without letting go. You're still holding on. You still care about doing things well. But there's room to move, and your hand is free to do other things. That loosening is what this series is about.

What might loosening your grip look like for you, even slightly?

It shows up in your body too

Perfectionism doesn't only live in your head. It shows up physically: tight shoulders, a racing mind, a churning stomach, or sometimes feeling oddly flat or numb.

These signals can be useful. They may turn up before you've consciously noticed the "not good enough" thought, which makes them a handy early warning.

What it can look like in practice

This is a composite example, not a real client.

Jess is a project lead. She rewrites emails three times before sending them, stays late re-checking reports nobody else will read that closely, and after a presentation that went well, she lies awake replaying the one moment she stumbled. On paper, she's smashing it. Inside, it feels like she's always one mistake away from being found out.

In coaching, we wouldn't start by telling Jess her standards are too high. She'd probably disagree, and Part 2 explains why that approach tends to backfire anyway. We'd start by getting curious: when does "not good enough" show up, what does it feel like in her body, and what does she do next?

Try this: notice before you change anything

Over the next week, keep an eye out for when perfectionism turns up. When it does, jot down:

What were you doing?
What did you notice in your body?
What was your mind telling you?
What did you do next? (Checked it again, put it off, worked later, asked someone to look over it.)

You don't need to change anything yet. Start by noticing. That last question is where Part 2 picks up.

How this shows up in my coaching

Perfectionism comes up a lot in my work, often with people who look, from the outside, like they’re doing brilliantly. My approach to it draws on training with Jennifer Kemp, Clinical Psychologist, on an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach to perfectionism.

From an ACT perspective, the question isn’t whether your standards are right or wrong. It’s whether the way you’re holding them is working for you. So it isn’t about lowering your standards. It’s about changing your relationship with the fear driving them, so you can keep what’s useful and loosen what isn’t.

If perfectionism is tangled up with significant anxiety, low mood or eating difficulties, a psychologist is likely the best first step, and I’m happy to help you think about where to start.

Part 2, on fear of failure and why arguing with your standards backfires, is coming next.

My coaching approach is informed by ACT and Acceptance and Commitment Coaching.

Book a free 30-minute introductory call

References

Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection. Hazelden.
Conroy, D. E., Kaye, M. P., & Fifer, A. M. (2007). Cognitive links between fear of failure and perfectionism. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 25(4), 237–253.
Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism is increasing over time: A meta-analysis of birth cohort differences from 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429.
Egan, S. J., Wade, T. D., & Shafran, R. (2011). Perfectionism as a transdiagnostic process: A clinical review. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(2), 203–212.
Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., Sherry, S. B., Habke, M., Parkin, M., Lam, R. W., McMurtry, B., Ediger, E., Fairlie, P., & Stein, M. B. (2003). The interpersonal expression of perfection: Perfectionistic self-presentation and psychological distress. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(6), 1303–1325.
Hill, A. P., & Curran, T. (2016). Multidimensional perfectionism and burnout: A meta-analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 20(3), 269–288.
Shafran, R., Cooper, Z., & Fairburn, C. G. (2002). Clinical perfectionism: A cognitive–behavioural analysis. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 40(7), 773–791.
Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., Vidovic, V., Saklofske, D. H., Stoeber, J., & Benoit, A. (2019). Perfectionism and the five-factor model of personality: A meta-analytic review. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 23(4), 367–390.
Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive conceptions of perfectionism: Approaches, evidence, challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10(4), 295–319.
Tozzi, F., Aggen, S. H., Neale, B. M., Anderson, C. B., Mazzeo, S. E., Neale, M. C., & Bulik, C. M. (2004). The structure of perfectionism: A twin study. Behavior Genetics, 34(5), 483–494.
Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222.